Friday, 11 August 2017

Hedge-porn


John has just reminded me that you no longer find piles of discarded pornographic magazines in hedgerows these days. The internet has all but done for the top shelf magazines, in the same way it has put a stop to 'boys playing in the street'.

I once stopped off in a woodland lay-by for a pee, and as I entered the fringe of the wood, I saw a tantalising glimpse of coloured rectangles behind a log. My luck - I thought - was in.

The rain and insects had almost obliterated the covers, but you could just make out parts of bare flesh covered in fish-net stockings.

I picked one up and it was heavy with (I hope) rain water. The pages had stuck together, but not in the patchy way that indoor magazines are said to adhere to each other. Every leaf was bonded to its neighbour across the full area, and it was difficult to even part two blocks of pages without tearing the wet paper. Eventually I managed to part the centrefold which had been kept slightly apart at the spine by the staples.

I found a full-colour picture of a scantily clad, suspender-wearing, luxuriously bewigged... man.

16 comments:

  1. Haha! That last line was great.

    We sold naughty magazines at the bookstore. Mostly weird, furtive old men (who probably don't have Internet access) would buy them. Occasionally someone would steal one and take it to the mens' restroom, to be found later discarded on the floor. (Ugh!)

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    1. Yep. That description about sums me up.

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  2. You dont see the word "furtive" written much nowadays either

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    1. That's true. Everyone is so brazen these days. You don't see 'brazen' much either.

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  3. Many years ago I came across pages torn from a gay mag' littered along a road. They continued for several hundred yards, and I still haven't worked-out what the person was up to. No suggestions please.

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    1. Suggestions: 'He loves me, he loves me not....'

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    2. Your suggestion made me burst out laughing.

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  4. And you touched it! Let's remember that this was also the days before the hand sanitizer!!!!!

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  5. Princess Diana didn't need hand sanitiser.

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  6. Maybe it was more exciting to dig one's knowledge out in dark places one by one, I think, than just to google it. On the other hand: that might be exciting too, when the young one hears its parents' step nearing the computer room, or has to explain why they should pay the abominable sum of 666,69 Euros :-)

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    1. Yes, the mystery is no longer there. Mind you, it hasn't been for quite a while now.

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    2. Hahaha - there I cannot agree, and I'm not sorry! :-)

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  7. I think I would have just given up and gone and bought a 'Men Only' lol
    Briony
    x

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  8. That'll teach you to go poking about in hedge bottoms.

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    Replies
    1. That advice (or admonition) has come about 40 years too late Weave.

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