Monday 21 August 2017

Are you Experienced?


I get my breakdown cover for the car through a company called GEM Motoring (Guild Of Experienced Motorists). This set-up is obviously aimed at the over-50s but attempts to get a younger membership by advertising child seats, etc.

As part of the package they send you a quarterly magazine. It is packed full of articles which they think will appeal to the average person who is still just about young enough to drive a car, but there are plenty of warnings with spurious statistics about accidents caused by poor eyesight, and these are sponsored by a spectacle manufacturer. Yes, there is a lot of advertising aimed at the over 50s as well.

Every issue has adverts such as '2 for the price of 1 100% pure cotton Chinos' (as modelled by a very fit, 30 year-old man) and they come in up to 48 inch waist in a variety of horrible colours.

There are offers for cruises etc, and the winner of the competition sponsored by a certain hotel (question: How many rooms does this hotel have?) can get up to £350 off a two-night stay there (prices based on two people sharing, per head...). That will be 350 of your Grey Pounds, sir.

There are reviews on cars, and this month there are reviews on second-hand cars, including the Volvo V70. They reckon that an old V70 with 80,000 miles on the clock starts at £3,500. I wonder why I rejected one for £1,000 a few years ago... In the new section, they compare a Vauxhall with a Volvo, and they slag-off the Vauxhall as being 'flabby and powerless'. Obviously Vauxhall refused to give them a back-hander for a good review.

This issue features Ely and the Cambridgeshire Fens as a motoring destination for the retired, and - guess what - the hotel in the competition is in Ely.

The reader's letter to the editor section is about 4 pages and features writers who you would definitely not want to sit next to in a car, even for a short journey.

One elderly man wonders why everyone except him on the road is a crap driver, and another - presumably tee-total - asks for a campaign to enforce a law which would make getting into a car if you have had any alcohol within 24 hours a banning offence if caught. That would really put a stop to my 2 pints in the pub after work. "Airline pilots have to abide by this rule," he says, "So why doesn't a car-driver?" Because a car driver doesn't usually drive at 40,000 feet at 600 miles per hour with 300 passengers on board, that's why.

Another letter praises the efficiency of GEM's breakdown service, but having used them myself I am willing to believe it is genuine.

I am considering asking them to do an article on the increasingly popular pass-time of 'dogging'. It involves cars and car-parks after all, and is open to anyone who is old enough to drive. It could involve some night-time shots (with flash or infrared) of elderly readers who have given it a try and can thoroughly recommend it. Lists of participating car-parks around the country could be made so that GEM readers can easily find one close to their homes - or at least within a short drive. It might mean staying up a little later than usual, but I am sure they would find it a rewarding experience.

What do you think?

27 comments:

  1. I was hoping to equip myself with a new little number in red livery (as shown), but Lady Magnon said 'No'.

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    1. I wrote this before 6 this morning, thinking I would beat you to it, but I will have to try harder.

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  2. I am sure these articles would be popular. There could also be a series "back seats I have shagged on" featuring the best cars for this, elbow room etc.

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    1. Brilliant idea. I remember a Specsavers advert which was banned where a woman gives a gear-stick a blow job thinking it is the driver. The perfect advert for GEM magazine.

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    2. 'Lay-by's I have loved..and loved in..'

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    3. Ladies, Laddies and Loose Women...

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  3. A piece entitled 'Reliable Cars' might be popular.

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    1. Keep up. We are thinking in terms of reliable shags.

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  4. It could include a piece in the Travel section on "best dogging locations in Europe" with handy hints on headlight flashing, tail lights and doors.

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    1. Luxury dogging tours in Morgans and Airstreams...

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    2. WIN A DELUXE DOGGING TRIP FOR TWO IN THE FABULOUS AUSTRIAN ALPS!

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    3. Inclusive of yodelling classes: "THE OLD LADY TOO!!!"

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  5. After just having spent six months researching a new truck, even building one online from the ground up, I'm done. I would rather have root canals than car shopping. It has been in the garage for nearly two weeks as I am too afraid to drive it. All the high tech has me baffled. Crazy, I know. My husband has taken my old truck, so I now have no choice but to drive it and will be parking it far from the stores to keep other cars away from it.

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    1. That is just not needed at your time of life. Stick to the old truck and let your husband get the new one.

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    2. My husband doesn't take care of things and I was even a little sad to see my truck go with him. The new one has a tech package that was important to me. Automatic front end crash braking, 360 degree camera, all sorts of things that assist the driver and one thing I love is that it has a step into the truck bed. I still have to have a truck to haul around stuff. No more hay and feed, but always use it. This is my third truck and I don't know how people manage without one.

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  6. I want to know how you can say with authority the past time of dogging is increasingly popular. What with the decline of reclining seats, it may be on the decrease. When I was in college, I recall a fellow who had, I think, an American Motors Rambler, and its back seats folded down into the trunk, providing an ample spread. The fellow who owned the car grew up to be a cardiologist. No corollary here.

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    1. Dogging is carried out OUTSIDE the vehicle, Joanne. 'Gulling' is conducted with at least one person inside the car and at least one person crouching on the hood.

      Now I bet you are going to ask what 'gulling' is?

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    2. Don't. It involves windscreen wipers...

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    3. You got me out of this exchange quite effectively.

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  7. My new Vauxhall Corse, unlike me, is neither 'flabby nor powerless'!

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    1. Oh Vauxhall make some very fast cars indeed. I have a friend who owns one which is 380 BHP. Not much use for dogging though.

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  8. There could be an article on how to make dogging masks .... don't ask me how I know .... I just do !!! XXXX

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    1. You seem to know more about this than I do, Jack@. You know I am not talking about dodgems, don't you?

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    2. I know quite a lot about it ..... I watched an in depth documentary on it .... it was very enlightening !!! Many long distance lorry drivers like a bit of dogging and they like wearing masks while they do it !!!!! ( .... and I don't mean driving little cars !!! ) XXXX

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    3. Long distance lorry drivers have always been sex maniacs. The only people to use CB radio now are lorry-driving swingers.

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